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From AJC.com:

Vatican releases new sins.

From RTW News Service (Atlanta):

The Sins, more accurately described as "sinful behaviors" (drug use, pollution, DNA manipulation and social and economic injustice (fraternal twins)), discovered late last week trapped in a closet in a lower basement in the Vatican's Dogma Department, expressed relief at their release. In a statement they said "we weren't used much back in the old days, just no call for us in those simpler times. We were wandering around without much to do back just before the turn of the last century when a janitor accidently locked us in a closet and put a wardrobe in front of the door." Two other "sinful acts," abortion and pedophilia were also found in the closet. A Vatican spokesman described them as matters that the Vatican was concerned about, but refused to discuss issues of venality and mortality with respect to any of the rediscovered group.

In other news:

Apple Records has re-released the Beatles' catalogue, adding twenty songs composed by Ringo in an attempt to stave off foreclosure sale of Neverland.

Kepler, Newton and Einstein have dusted off The Four Laws, adding six more to keep up with Moses, only to be disappointed by Vatican's apparent escalation attempt.

From The Onion:

"Scoops of the New Century" is the title of a piece about the recent hard hitting investigative journalism being practiced by upstart RTW News Service headquartered in Atlanta, Georgia.