This Time, a Speech I Don't Like

We’ve all heard it.

I call the bank, the computer company, the cable company. I tell them what my problem is.

“Dave, may I call you Dave? (No pause, they just continue on) I can certainly understand your concern (I’ve expressed no concern, just told them what my problem is). I’m taking ownership of your problem. May I put you on hold for three to five minutes to …(whatever it is they are going to do – I think it’s finish up their current IM chat session)?”

Ownership? Google “ownership of problem” or “problem ownership” and you get a bunch of pages full of touchy-feely stuff about workplace and family problem resolution. Jim or Joe or Sue on the other end of the line has no intention of owning my problem, they are reciting a script that their boss says they have to read to me. Jim or Joe or Sue probably will be on another call or at home tipping a cold one if I have to call back for further help.

Then there’s that magic “three to five minutes.” I’ve heard it too many times. I want to know the social engineer that came up with the idea that it was better to tell someone an amount of time that they had to sit and stew and then decided that three to five minutes was the perfect time that would not piss me off.

I actually don’t mind sitting on hold if something is really being done to help me. All my problem calls are made at work on a speakerphone. While they are off doing whatever they are doing, I’m doing other things. How about call centers ask if they can put me on hold and then, if we get to the five minute mark, a recording comes on and Jim or Joe or Sue, in their own voice, tells me he or she hasn’t finished whatever and they are sorry, they’ll get with me as soon as they can, please don’t hang-up.